Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
