Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The air was thick with penises
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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