i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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