Someone shit on the floor
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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