So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
