What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So vagazzling was a success
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
