Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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