I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my sisters under your porch take her home
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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