I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
