i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
