Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
