Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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