Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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