the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
