He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
