we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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