He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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