Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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