life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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