Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
