3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
