I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
