I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
