The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
