Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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