I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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