Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
