just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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