just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
