New invention idea: vibrating tampons
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
