my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
