i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
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