He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
