maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
