i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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