I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
