Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
