DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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