Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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