Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
