My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
