How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We were destined to go to rehab together
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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