I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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