The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
