Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
