i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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