I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
