Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
