im six kinds of drunk right now
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
