I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i've created a new STD.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
