Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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